i opened my inbox today to find an email that, upon seeing the sender, immediately made my day. an unprompted xmas/new years greeting from mugga, my soundguy buddy from australia . the first ten paragraphs were great. it was the eleventh that stunned and saddened me:
"god I just forgot the worst news of last year was that Toby (our beloved brother, chin chen drummer) took his own life.. I don’t think I let you know, im truly sorry to have to let you know this as it still saddens me deeply. I needed a moment."
...
i don't know which memory came first, as the shocked adrenaline woozy feeling set in. there was me and tobe meeting for lunch twice weekly on foveaux street. there was tobe on his way to buy dope at homebake. there was the two of us lying in his bed listening to mogwai, when i crashed over in erskineville. there was my going away party at the townie, when i thought nobody would show up. there was the way he called me "E." there were his perfect golden eyes. and on and on...
and the truth is ? i didn't really know him THAT well, but i knew him well enough to know that he was sad inside. and that i wanted to make him smile... and the part that hurt my heart the most was that over the past year or two, i'd really not had much, if any, contact with him. i was a shitty friend. i'd let him down...
but then i started reading some old tobe emails:
apr/00: "i'm doin fine now. thanks for everything..i don't know how to put in words as such, but everything that you said to me meant and still means A LOT to me."
dec/99: "thanks for caring so much mate. it means a lot to me to know that you care that much. i'm feeling ok now so please don't worry 'bout me."
oct/99: "hey don't worry too much about me, but it's nice to know you care, e. really."
sept/99: "gotta go e, look after you lovely self.. keep on lighting up peoples lives..."
sorry i couldn't save you, tobe... i tried...
